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Thursday 21st October 2021,
Hope for Nigeria

Important ‘A’ Words That Strengthen Relationships – Love & Life by Aidy Thomas.

life and love

We can never be tired of looking for ways to make life and living a better experience. The level of your innovative/creative ability will go a long way to actually enhance the quality of your relationships. This may involve trying out little new exciting things every now and then (even at old age): borrowing things that work for others as long as you are sure they will do you good as well.

Refusing to learn or try new things whether out of fear or sheer ignorance leaves you a loser. Getting to know little tips of how love can be deeper puts you at great advantage.

The following words may give amazing results:

•Accept: A reasonable percentage of the world’s problems would have been solved if people had learned to accept some things they cannot change and move on with the ones that are great. I read a very pathetic story in a magazine last year of a lady who was born well and healthy. She grew up to be a successful hair dresser, but spent all her time complaining about the looks of her backside until she fell into the hands of a customer who advised her to try an injection to enlarge it. This finally made her lose both legs and hands. How beautiful was she at the end? If I cannot remember anything she said; the word ‘regret’ rings loud in my ear as she used it time and over again. There is nothing wrong with taking care of this body but the desperation of changing into who you are not should be watched.

In relationships, people waste their time and energy over things they know might not change. People’s personalities could be very difficult to forcefully change once they have reached a certain age. If you hated a clumsy fellow but risked getting on with your spouse with the hope that he/she will change over time, you might be in for a big surprise.

Accepting your spouse the way they are is a subtle way of saying ‘I respect who you are’.

•Attention: I’m yet to find one person who does not like to be given adequate attention. It’s easy for people to push this or associate it with immaturity but who cares? Craving the attention of your loved ones shows you value them and their presence in your life. On the other hand, if we give little or no attention to something or someone, we are indirectly telling the world ‘they do not matter to us’. Whatever you love takes your time; be it sports, games, job, recreation, socials, religion or mere private indulgence.

If your spouse finds you too busy for him/her; it will just be a matter of time before you lose them. Look at them when they are talking to you; listen with firm eye contact, laugh at their jokes, make gestures to support their topic, etc. Finding time to do things for each other in a time-demanding world that we are in will be highly priced by him/her. Make them feel important by offering to help fix breakfast or preparing to leave for work —they’ll remember that moment throughout the day and their love for you will increase. Give each other a reason to miss ‘you’.

•Admire: When you get from outsiders what is lacking at home, a gap would be created. The last time you heard “you look great today” came from a colleague or neighbour; you get back home expecting your spouse to be swept up by your clean looks but all you get is “why did you return so late”? You’ll be forced to wonder if they needed a pair of magnifying glasses to see what others see about you too, but poor you! What can you do than enter the house with a battered ego. Do you now see why some people end up with cold nights? It’s hard to get them dancing all over you when you did not make them happy earlier on; nice comments gladden the heart and set the candle burning. Some people do say “I don’t want him/her to feel too cool about his/her looks”. Whether you say it or not, trust me, even strangers would say it on your behalf so who is the loser?

•Allocate: You should not wait for the world to crumble on you before asking for help. Asking for help is not in any way a sign of weakness or incompetence. If you are constantly overwhelmed in a relationship, you will be looking for a way out sooner than anyone could ever imagine. Sharing your problems with each other and asking for support will make you feel the ‘power of two’—remember to ask nicely. This is not restricted to domestics alone but being ready to share financial burden as well as emotional pains gives you the strength to carry on.

•Apologise: We cannot ignore the fact that human beings will always be humans and this accentuates our fallible nature. So much emphasis is not laid on anyone always doing what is right, but when a person refuses to apologise when wrong, it could really hurt. Arrogance is closely linked with refusing to offer simple apologies. Learn to say ‘sorry’ and mean it from your heart. Apologies rendered just for the sake of it sometimes show in voice tones, body language, gestures; eye movement or lip twisting. Once the person you are apologising to picks it from any of these things that your apology may not be genuine after all; they become more angry and difficult to appease. Doing it in good time too shows you really wanted to apologise: not when you wait to be pushed or cajoled.

•Associate: Your ability to associate with the people your spouse hangs out with will go a long way to explain whether you are ready to share your life with them or not. It could be very disgusting to see a man/woman who says: “I don’t want to have anything to do with my spouse’s family members”. Why on earth would you attach yourself to someone who comes from where you don’t like? The more you associate with your partner’s people, the more you make them feel comfortable with you. It is good to know that associating with people does not mean giving yourself to them foolishly. Relate with them but have your boundaries; know what you cannot do for them and be careful not to cheat yourself in the process of trying to please others.

Looking for ways to make relationships work or going an extra mile to ensure things are in place is an indication you are willing to do your bit for the sake of love.

This process of harnessing financial, emotional and material resources does not promise to be an easy journey but like they say; “what is worth doing, is worth doing well”. To achieve a reasonable level of success, certain words and what they really stand for should come to play.

 Attitude: We keep hearing people say “Attitude is everything”. Indeed your attitude towards your spouse determines to a great extent what is going to happen to the relationship sooner or later; would you be able to cope with each other?

Will someone be willing to sacrifice for the joy of the other? If corrections come, how would the affected party react to it? How would matters of care and concern be handled? As a matter of fact, attitude defines your entire daily dealings with the one you love. Simply put, it is who you are and what you do; how you treat others and your expectations of them as well. If you have the right attitude, your relationship is likely to groove well.

Approach:  Up to a certain point, people are not really sure whether there is any difference between ‘Attitude’ and ‘Approach’.  Your manner of approach has a part to play in the way your spouse would respond/react to you. Soft answers have a way of calming down rage while annoying words keep flames high.

The way you approach a person concerning an issue determines whether you’ll get what you expected or not. Learning to use polite words is not old fashioned at all; it rather reveals you have understanding of the need to show respect to your partner. When people feel they are not respected as expected, they become difficult to love and get along with.

Apologise: There are more wounded lovers today than in past times; the desire to flow with a jet age has made people feel too cool to say ‘I’m sorry’. Some people would rather close down a shop, buying all the gifts, flowers and perfumes when their partner seem offended than to offer clear simple, heartfelt apologies. The second issue with apologies is your ability to do it convincingly. The one you are apologising to should be convinced that you mean every bit of what you just said.

When accepted, a total turnaround tells the world you were truly sorry or probably would have done what you did in error. So if you are truly sorry, please change your bad ways, then there will be peace.

Allow: Allowing your loved one some personal space to breathe and think independently might sound like some kind of controversy but this could really be healthy for relationships. Say it to yourself repeatedly that your spouse deserves to exercise his/her mind on issues you might not want to comment.

Giving a free hand in relationships shows that you trust each other’s sense of judgment and appreciation of things. A man that still wants to go shopping with his wife because he believes he has been buying things for himself for ages and understands the techniques of big saves will end up frustrating his wife who had spent all her life looking forward to that time of independence when she would be the woman of her very own house.

A lady who is looking for the duplicate of her father in a husband will not only look for long but would be shocked to discover that every man wants to be himself and not to act like his father in-law.

If your wife comes with her unique style of cooking different from your mother’s cooking method; why not simply relax and enjoy the variety? Checking on your wife to be sure no one talks to her on the phone; whether at home or work might not yield much result after a while.

Allowing each other some level of freedom and privacy is good but let this be done in understanding; make sure you don’t hide behind this to commit atrocities; transparency is good but spending some time alone to think clearly and  refresh is the secret of most successful marriages.

Young lovers believe talking and chattering is an expression of deep love but as they grow older, mature silence that says “staying by your side is enough comfort for me” replaces busy, restless attention seeking moves.

Acknowledge: Getting to a place where you acknowledge and esteem your lover above you is the zenith of true love. Discovering each other should not only be limited to physical/emotional contact.

The gifts and talents you see in your darling should be celebrated. You do not need to bruise the ego of your spouse before they submit to you.

Destroying his/her own ego or personality will make them detest you, feel unloved, turn arrogant or desire to trust a stranger who encourages them to grow.

Identify the areas your partner is good at and delegate responsibilities connected to them without interference. Look for those things that will make them feel important and needed; comment nicely on how they have brought shine on the relationship with this special touch.

Always remember to tell them ‘you would not be who or where you are today without them’.  Everyone loves to know they are contributing something good to life; go ahead and give them that reassurance and validity. It’s your responsibility to strengthen your relationship in every good way possible.

– PM News

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